so here's what I would do if I won the lottery - what about YOU?
-tithe the money of course to my church and conference
-pay off my parent's home, renovate it, and by them a new home here in VA, one in ATL, and one in San Antonio, TX
-buy my dad the truck he's always wanted and a new car for my mom
-buy my grandmother a new house with a huge kitchen and den and play room
-pay for my sister's grad school, and my brother's undergrad
-still invest a million
-put aside some money to take care of other family incidentals
-give money to the College of William and Mary for a new performing arts center/music building
-travel the world and take my closest friends with me
-buy an aston martin
-stay in the penthouse suite of a hotel
-and then split the rest with my friends! so we could all be rich:-D
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The Final Frontier
So here's the question: Why is the jealousy still there? Why when I see a black man with a white woman do I stil get mad and a little upset?
Its not that I wouldn't date a white man and I don't want brothers to be happy but I just don't understand it sometimes. And it seems to be inherent, like something I cannot control.
I personally, contrary to popular belief about me, would rather date a black man. I am more attracted to them and I am into supporting the brothers. However, with the current state of affairs, I am not opposed to dating outside my race.
So really I want some comments on my first question - why am I upset seeing a black man with a white woman AND why does you believe (cuz this assumption comes from my friends) that I would rather date a white guy?
Its not that I wouldn't date a white man and I don't want brothers to be happy but I just don't understand it sometimes. And it seems to be inherent, like something I cannot control.
I personally, contrary to popular belief about me, would rather date a black man. I am more attracted to them and I am into supporting the brothers. However, with the current state of affairs, I am not opposed to dating outside my race.
So really I want some comments on my first question - why am I upset seeing a black man with a white woman AND why does you believe (cuz this assumption comes from my friends) that I would rather date a white guy?
Monday, May 04, 2009
Green Light...
and I'm ready to go! I am up feeling good - Thank you Lord that it is summer time and I don't have class to go to. While that doesn't mean I can just laze about, it does feel good not to have to go to class. I am on a John Legend tip. Ready to go, right now! So on the agenda today is some house cleaning and laundry.
Thoughts for today:
1. Why do I absolutely love the song Don't Make Me Over by Sybil?
2. Most played song on my iTunes - Can You Believe by Robin Thicke
3. I really can't wait to see the movie Wolverine!
4. I have a case of the ex.
Thoughts for today:
1. Why do I absolutely love the song Don't Make Me Over by Sybil?
2. Most played song on my iTunes - Can You Believe by Robin Thicke
3. I really can't wait to see the movie Wolverine!
4. I have a case of the ex.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Wrap Up
OK so I have been trying to be on the good tip lately - praise HIM that he has been keeping me from falling off and hopefully helping me to move closer to him - BUT I am putting myself on front street again. So I emailed/texted an ex-whatever and told him what was up and how I was feeling. He clearly wanted to handle my problem lickety split. But here's where it gets ridiculous. Are you trying to tell me that I gotta provide the condoms now? are we serious?! this MF had the nerve to come up with some lame excuse as to why he can't stop by the store and pick the rubbers up and we all know its not going down without any protection.
But is this the level of shdayness men have come to - and really by shady I mean lazy as hell - shit I was given the goods away for a change, not even going to make you do any real work for it and you couldn't come up with like four dollars to get the latex. Pissed me the hell off and killed the damn mood. The reasons why I only let you hit it once and the reasons I have refused your subsequent advances have come back to me - you ain't about ish, even in the bedroom and that's a damn shame.
But is this the level of shdayness men have come to - and really by shady I mean lazy as hell - shit I was given the goods away for a change, not even going to make you do any real work for it and you couldn't come up with like four dollars to get the latex. Pissed me the hell off and killed the damn mood. The reasons why I only let you hit it once and the reasons I have refused your subsequent advances have come back to me - you ain't about ish, even in the bedroom and that's a damn shame.
Monday, April 27, 2009
a little addicted
so right now - I am putting myself on front street - not that it matters cuz I don't think anyone but cyber space will see this. I have destructive tendencies and behaviors - when I hit rock bottom - when I feel really down, what do I really want very deep down? I want sex - mind numbing, ridiculous, delicious sex and to just check out in a fantasy for a little while. just something to take the edge off - destress a little bit, makes me feel good. doesn't that sound like a drug to you... sounds like one to me... but it would be so good to just lose myself in someone arms just for a little while..... and the alone time is not going to cut it - i need that skin to skin, touching contact of being consumed by someone else.... ahhhhh so good.... well unless you know any takers i guess its back to studying.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
So I have a friend who, sometimes, I like to call the male version of me - definitely ambitious, vivacious, intellegient, and has a passion for movies and music that trumps my own (so does yours A-rod). He wrote a blog on Monday to start some discussion and it has truly intrigued me as well. I repeat that blog below and would love to hear your thoughts. Now it’s a lot of reading and requires some thought, but I know you are all up to the task cuz its a very interesting article.
Magazine Matters - Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough
Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough - The Atlantic
By Lori Gottlieb
Lori Gottlieb is a graduate of Stanford Medical School, a New York Times best selling author, a contributor to NPR, who has written for The New York Times, Time, and The Atlantic. Her career is a runaway success, yet at 40, she’s still single. She wrote, what amounts to an open letter to young, smart, career minded woman, in the March issue of Atlantic, begging them to settle for "Mr. Good Enough." It’s a very funny/sad article that made me at once ecstatic to be a man and sad for my female friends for whom this article was written.
Many of those friends, mostly twnetysomethings, have gotten their hands on the article and have been talking about it fervently. I would be interested in hearing their thoughts and I hope they take a moment to respond to this post with their feelings about the article. I did talk to one of my married friends who is in her early 30’s and without even reading the article she agreed 100 percent that women should settle. This is a non-issue for me because I’ll never have to settle. If I don’t find the women of my dreams (a 20 something with a bright future and a palpable sexual energy) in the next 15 years, I’ll still have another 15 years to keep looking and never diminish my ability to start a family. Women on the other hand, only have a short window to procreate.
Is this fair? Yes. Men are born with just enough genetic code to exist, while women are born with the complete catalogue of the human genetic code. Therefore women are the greater sex. They have the power to create life with the help of just a few cells. Men need an entire woman to pass on their genes. Once science figures out how to manufacture sperm in the lab, the arguments for keeping men around will hold less and less weight. Men start wars, die sooner, are stupider, and most of us go bald. The advantages we do have are that we get more attractive as we age and our sperm works well into our 70’s. So I don’t feel bad that you have to have all your children by 37.
Read the article and let’s have a discussion.
Magazine Matters - Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough
Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough - The Atlantic
By Lori Gottlieb
Lori Gottlieb is a graduate of Stanford Medical School, a New York Times best selling author, a contributor to NPR, who has written for The New York Times, Time, and The Atlantic. Her career is a runaway success, yet at 40, she’s still single. She wrote, what amounts to an open letter to young, smart, career minded woman, in the March issue of Atlantic, begging them to settle for "Mr. Good Enough." It’s a very funny/sad article that made me at once ecstatic to be a man and sad for my female friends for whom this article was written.
Many of those friends, mostly twnetysomethings, have gotten their hands on the article and have been talking about it fervently. I would be interested in hearing their thoughts and I hope they take a moment to respond to this post with their feelings about the article. I did talk to one of my married friends who is in her early 30’s and without even reading the article she agreed 100 percent that women should settle. This is a non-issue for me because I’ll never have to settle. If I don’t find the women of my dreams (a 20 something with a bright future and a palpable sexual energy) in the next 15 years, I’ll still have another 15 years to keep looking and never diminish my ability to start a family. Women on the other hand, only have a short window to procreate.
Is this fair? Yes. Men are born with just enough genetic code to exist, while women are born with the complete catalogue of the human genetic code. Therefore women are the greater sex. They have the power to create life with the help of just a few cells. Men need an entire woman to pass on their genes. Once science figures out how to manufacture sperm in the lab, the arguments for keeping men around will hold less and less weight. Men start wars, die sooner, are stupider, and most of us go bald. The advantages we do have are that we get more attractive as we age and our sperm works well into our 70’s. So I don’t feel bad that you have to have all your children by 37.
Read the article and let’s have a discussion.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Tragedy?
First real blog of "The Ocho" and I have to say that I am sad that I have been missing out on my fellow bloggers words of wisdom as of late.
But to the topic of this post... You know it is really sad that the moment I logged on instant messenger tonight - I said hello to a couple of people and began to dabble at peoples away mesages. Instantly I was inundated with questions of "Did you hear about Heath Ledger?!" Shock and awe this above average actor died of a not yet labeled "overdose." I do not mean to be callous - it is sad when anyone's life is loss but I feel a little bitter that I can barely get my friend's to pay attention to the minutia that is my life but Heath Ledge was in more than one bulletin and away message. It is slightly irritating and annoying that this in a month blip in the entertainment section and in a year, highlight in the 2008 countdown, monopolizes so much of people's time. And let me be cliche and throw in that there are people dying every day in a little place called Iraq and much more bravely than a spoiled "escape" from reality.
And finally, how dumb is this? I can't understand the Lindsay Lohan's and Amy Winehouse's and Heath Ledger's. Have you not learned anything from being in the business? Drugs are not the sh*t. Making your life into a pathetic "lessons learned" case is not the way you are going to get an everlasting tribute. You are not Hendrix or Lennon or Phoenix or Dean. Take a look at the sh*t show that is Britney Spears. Anything she ever did is not blown away by her current lifestyle.
So here's to Heath: that actor that played the joker and that gay cowboy who died of an overdose... doesn't sound very glamourous, huh?
For now I remain,
Irritatedly yours,
Shemeka
But to the topic of this post... You know it is really sad that the moment I logged on instant messenger tonight - I said hello to a couple of people and began to dabble at peoples away mesages. Instantly I was inundated with questions of "Did you hear about Heath Ledger?!" Shock and awe this above average actor died of a not yet labeled "overdose." I do not mean to be callous - it is sad when anyone's life is loss but I feel a little bitter that I can barely get my friend's to pay attention to the minutia that is my life but Heath Ledge was in more than one bulletin and away message. It is slightly irritating and annoying that this in a month blip in the entertainment section and in a year, highlight in the 2008 countdown, monopolizes so much of people's time. And let me be cliche and throw in that there are people dying every day in a little place called Iraq and much more bravely than a spoiled "escape" from reality.
And finally, how dumb is this? I can't understand the Lindsay Lohan's and Amy Winehouse's and Heath Ledger's. Have you not learned anything from being in the business? Drugs are not the sh*t. Making your life into a pathetic "lessons learned" case is not the way you are going to get an everlasting tribute. You are not Hendrix or Lennon or Phoenix or Dean. Take a look at the sh*t show that is Britney Spears. Anything she ever did is not blown away by her current lifestyle.
So here's to Heath: that actor that played the joker and that gay cowboy who died of an overdose... doesn't sound very glamourous, huh?
For now I remain,
Irritatedly yours,
Shemeka
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Back in the Saddle?
The problem is that you can not get to blogs from my new job. You can't get to practically anything. Stupid firewalls for the students. However - I've decided to get back in the saddle. If not a couple of times, I will at least try to blog once a week. I know that some of you have less than busy lives and blogging might seem second nature like checking your mail or what not. But I have a feeble mind and while I think of awesome important things to say by the time I can get around to blogging about it - I have lost it, which usually iritates the hell out of me. Oh well, one more time as Daft Punk would say.........
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Shemeka of the Caribbean
I never did write about my fabulous trip to the Bahamas. Needless to say it was lovely and I cannot wait tor return. I am thankful for the friends that I went with. I am blessed by the spiritual lessons I learned. I was invigorated by the peaceful rest and relaxation in and on the water.
We set sail from Florida and I was so tempted to head towards Disney. In fact, we were docked beside the Disney Wonder at some point. We sailed the beautiful Caribbean waters and made port in Nassau, Bahamas. We spent a day exploring the island, went to the beautiful beach and even discoved the lost world of Atlantis.
All in all, if you want to hear more, ask me. However, I do recommend to everyone a cruise. In fact, I hope to go on another cruise in 2007.
For now I remain, Caribbeanly yours:-)
Shemeka
We set sail from Florida and I was so tempted to head towards Disney. In fact, we were docked beside the Disney Wonder at some point. We sailed the beautiful Caribbean waters and made port in Nassau, Bahamas. We spent a day exploring the island, went to the beautiful beach and even discoved the lost world of Atlantis.
All in all, if you want to hear more, ask me. However, I do recommend to everyone a cruise. In fact, I hope to go on another cruise in 2007.
For now I remain, Caribbeanly yours:-)
Shemeka
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Blind Date Doom
An American Folly of Ultimate Proportions
One of the worst things created since the dawn of man
If anyone else can thing of a name for a blind date, please let me know.
Blind dates are for desperate people you might say. You might say, "Shemeka, darling, how did you end up here?" Let's not worry about the particulars, other than to say that I am NOT desperate and it was just a let's see how this thing goes kind of adventure.
The guy:
A friend of a friend's boyfriend who saw my picture on said friend's myspace when looking at said friend's boyfriend's myspace. Follow me so far? Name? Elijah. Occupation? Boat Boy(in the Navy).
The hook-up:
Met one night after bowling practice.
Sounds innocent and harmless enough, you say? What I also thought. We are both WRONG. Problems? His looks. Think back to middle school where it seemed every guy needed severe help in the looks department. Seems if Elijah never left this stage. First things first - teeth. If you know me, you know I have a thing about teeth. The boy needs braces. Immediately. You'd think with all those benefits you get in the Navy that someone would have informed him by now that getting his teeth fixed would be beneficial to his attempts to pick up women. Apparently not. Secondly, the "slighty sweaty as if I am always nervous and a little creepy" thing was a complete turn off. And DONT try to cover anything up by wearing too much cologne - it usually does not work. Finally, the glasses. But "Shemeka, don't you wear glasses," you might ask. Yes, and usually glasses are not a problem for me. Noone has 20/20 these days. However, you mean to tell me that the coke bottle glasses are still around; lenses so thick I think I can see the ex-planet pluto through them? Bad Bad Bad.
Sounds like I am being very superficial. What about this guy's personality? Lascivious people. You can tell that really under all that I want to be a gentleman BS that getting into my pants is goal number one here. Can't stand that - especially can't stand it from someone who has a snowball's chance in hell of getting there. Oh it was sad, laides and gentlemen. We decided to park and watch Lost:Season One on my portable DVD player. After telling him that I am not a touchy feely person (a lie, I know), he really did not keep his hands off me the entire time we sat there. He wanted to kiss my hand and give me a massage and rub his fingers on my arm. It was enough to make me want to puke. Then he tried to feel me up! I almost cold cocked him but we were on the naval base. I tried to make sure I ended it that night but I am almost sure he is not giving up hope. However, he is uninteresting AND he doesn't think Ben Stiller/Jim Carrey are funny. He hates musicals and thinks Denzel Washington is a terrible actor. I mean, Denzel might not be my fave but I know good acting when I see it. Bottom line, disaster. Not just the date but Elijah as a member of the human race.
Blind dates are for suckers and now I know better...... and knowing is half the battle.
For now I remain,
disgustedly yours,
Shemeka
One of the worst things created since the dawn of man
If anyone else can thing of a name for a blind date, please let me know.
Blind dates are for desperate people you might say. You might say, "Shemeka, darling, how did you end up here?" Let's not worry about the particulars, other than to say that I am NOT desperate and it was just a let's see how this thing goes kind of adventure.
The guy:
A friend of a friend's boyfriend who saw my picture on said friend's myspace when looking at said friend's boyfriend's myspace. Follow me so far? Name? Elijah. Occupation? Boat Boy(in the Navy).
The hook-up:
Met one night after bowling practice.
Sounds innocent and harmless enough, you say? What I also thought. We are both WRONG. Problems? His looks. Think back to middle school where it seemed every guy needed severe help in the looks department. Seems if Elijah never left this stage. First things first - teeth. If you know me, you know I have a thing about teeth. The boy needs braces. Immediately. You'd think with all those benefits you get in the Navy that someone would have informed him by now that getting his teeth fixed would be beneficial to his attempts to pick up women. Apparently not. Secondly, the "slighty sweaty as if I am always nervous and a little creepy" thing was a complete turn off. And DONT try to cover anything up by wearing too much cologne - it usually does not work. Finally, the glasses. But "Shemeka, don't you wear glasses," you might ask. Yes, and usually glasses are not a problem for me. Noone has 20/20 these days. However, you mean to tell me that the coke bottle glasses are still around; lenses so thick I think I can see the ex-planet pluto through them? Bad Bad Bad.
Sounds like I am being very superficial. What about this guy's personality? Lascivious people. You can tell that really under all that I want to be a gentleman BS that getting into my pants is goal number one here. Can't stand that - especially can't stand it from someone who has a snowball's chance in hell of getting there. Oh it was sad, laides and gentlemen. We decided to park and watch Lost:Season One on my portable DVD player. After telling him that I am not a touchy feely person (a lie, I know), he really did not keep his hands off me the entire time we sat there. He wanted to kiss my hand and give me a massage and rub his fingers on my arm. It was enough to make me want to puke. Then he tried to feel me up! I almost cold cocked him but we were on the naval base. I tried to make sure I ended it that night but I am almost sure he is not giving up hope. However, he is uninteresting AND he doesn't think Ben Stiller/Jim Carrey are funny. He hates musicals and thinks Denzel Washington is a terrible actor. I mean, Denzel might not be my fave but I know good acting when I see it. Bottom line, disaster. Not just the date but Elijah as a member of the human race.
Blind dates are for suckers and now I know better...... and knowing is half the battle.
For now I remain,
disgustedly yours,
Shemeka
Monday, June 26, 2006
Bloggy McBlogster:-)
Hi, my name is Shemeka and I am a recovering fun addict.
(Group Responds): Hi, Shemeka.
my Saturday night with Darby....
What should I say about this night that induced massive drunkeness and laughter? Who is Darby? Why did I go there? All of your questions shall be answered.
Darby is the President of the South Hampton Roads Chapter of William and Mary Alumni, graduated '04 MBA. She lives in Virginia Beach and is married to a big bald guy named Curtis, who likes to drink and be crude ( I LOVE me some Curtis!). I went to her house to just chill and hangout because she said they would be hanging out by the pool and playing some pool and drinking. So I decided that hey I have nothing better to do with my Saturday night than to hang out with some pretty cool people and their kegerator:-).
So I arrive at said location and am introduced to a few people I don't know and see people I know - including Fred, the Demolished. Fred, who is the webmaster for our Chapter and also Darby and Curtis's ex-roommate WM Class of '04 MBA, was completely smashed by the time I walked in the door sometime around 10pm. Smashed, playing pool and really loud!
I am immediately informed by Curtis that I will have to leave his house if I don't have a drink. ***Note*** This is where the trouble starts actually becuase if you haven't been drinking on a regular basis, your stomach is close to empty and that first drop of cold sweet, sweet beer hits your tongue - you basically lose all intentions that you had to stay moderately sober in the first place. So here I am with my first beer, chatting and having a great time when Fred comes over with a second drink letting me know that I am behind - its a rum and coke - a jack sparrow rum and coke - a "where has the coke gone? mooooostly RUM!" rum and coke. So I am trying to double fist when I get recruited into a pool game. If you know me, you know I don't play pool - no good at all. I am not even going to recreate all the innuendo that was going on in this game.
After the game of pool, I wandered into the kitchen for some munchies. I am on the next rum and no-coke at this point. It is barely after midnight. Somehow Darby and I got in to a shake your jubblies contest. Don't ask! Which had Curtis calling all of the other male types into the kitchen to see. It was over by the time they got there. However, on his umpteenth drink, Fred is a quite handsy individual once he is soberless. So he leans over and tells me that he dates black women and at this point I have decided that Fred doesn't actually look too terrible. He asks to mix my next rum and coke..... doesn't matter I am already adrunkl by this point.
I am then challenged. And when I say challenged I mean that someone actually thought in their right mind (ok she was drunk) that she (and she was pigmentally challenged) could out sing me. This was not a good plan. So I belted out some Rent, Wicked, Mariah, Gloria Gaynor, and Whitney just for the fun of making her cry. Ok she didn't really cry but everyone could tell she obviously couldnt hold a candle to me which in turn got ME a slap on the but with the ping pong paddle! It hurt - guess who did it? Fred. nuff said....
At this point, five rum and no-cokes and a beer, I am decidedly smashed and ready to fall over. I lay down on the couch. It feels excellent and decide that a little nap is in order. I awaken at somewhere around four in the morning feel gross but ok enough to drive home. I stumle out into the dark night........
After college, you think your adventures and exploits will end - but "To live, to live - that would be an awfully big adventure."
(Group Responds): Hi, Shemeka.
my Saturday night with Darby....
What should I say about this night that induced massive drunkeness and laughter? Who is Darby? Why did I go there? All of your questions shall be answered.
Darby is the President of the South Hampton Roads Chapter of William and Mary Alumni, graduated '04 MBA. She lives in Virginia Beach and is married to a big bald guy named Curtis, who likes to drink and be crude ( I LOVE me some Curtis!). I went to her house to just chill and hangout because she said they would be hanging out by the pool and playing some pool and drinking. So I decided that hey I have nothing better to do with my Saturday night than to hang out with some pretty cool people and their kegerator:-).
So I arrive at said location and am introduced to a few people I don't know and see people I know - including Fred, the Demolished. Fred, who is the webmaster for our Chapter and also Darby and Curtis's ex-roommate WM Class of '04 MBA, was completely smashed by the time I walked in the door sometime around 10pm. Smashed, playing pool and really loud!
I am immediately informed by Curtis that I will have to leave his house if I don't have a drink. ***Note*** This is where the trouble starts actually becuase if you haven't been drinking on a regular basis, your stomach is close to empty and that first drop of cold sweet, sweet beer hits your tongue - you basically lose all intentions that you had to stay moderately sober in the first place. So here I am with my first beer, chatting and having a great time when Fred comes over with a second drink letting me know that I am behind - its a rum and coke - a jack sparrow rum and coke - a "where has the coke gone? mooooostly RUM!" rum and coke. So I am trying to double fist when I get recruited into a pool game. If you know me, you know I don't play pool - no good at all. I am not even going to recreate all the innuendo that was going on in this game.
After the game of pool, I wandered into the kitchen for some munchies. I am on the next rum and no-coke at this point. It is barely after midnight. Somehow Darby and I got in to a shake your jubblies contest. Don't ask! Which had Curtis calling all of the other male types into the kitchen to see. It was over by the time they got there. However, on his umpteenth drink, Fred is a quite handsy individual once he is soberless. So he leans over and tells me that he dates black women and at this point I have decided that Fred doesn't actually look too terrible. He asks to mix my next rum and coke..... doesn't matter I am already adrunkl by this point.
I am then challenged. And when I say challenged I mean that someone actually thought in their right mind (ok she was drunk) that she (and she was pigmentally challenged) could out sing me. This was not a good plan. So I belted out some Rent, Wicked, Mariah, Gloria Gaynor, and Whitney just for the fun of making her cry. Ok she didn't really cry but everyone could tell she obviously couldnt hold a candle to me which in turn got ME a slap on the but with the ping pong paddle! It hurt - guess who did it? Fred. nuff said....
At this point, five rum and no-cokes and a beer, I am decidedly smashed and ready to fall over. I lay down on the couch. It feels excellent and decide that a little nap is in order. I awaken at somewhere around four in the morning feel gross but ok enough to drive home. I stumle out into the dark night........
After college, you think your adventures and exploits will end - but "To live, to live - that would be an awfully big adventure."
Friday, June 16, 2006
Dating Disaster
Ok so originially this was going to be post whining and ranting about the incongruity of being single versus being paired and how married/coupled people no longer understand your dilemna.. esp if you are a single woman. However something much more important was brought to my attention by my best friend's blog and she should probably sue me for plagurism but its not my fault that she just puts things twice as elegantly as I can in some situations.
Speaking of which, below she talks about something that I had to recognize as truth in some respects. Especially since I was a victim of something that is a result of men's insecurities. Last night a guy told me that if we got a house together that it would be in his name because I would never be able to tell him "get out of my house." Never mind you that, if this relationship were to go anywhere, in the future, I would probably be the one making more money and I already have better credit.... what sense would it make to have a home in his name? none. I told him this but he was more concerned about who would have the control in the relationship. Men.. need I say more? Read on......
Dwindling Libido by Sexy Thought
What is up with men these days?! Has the world turned upside down? Is this the cause of current administrative reversion to pre-hippy revolution time?
A few friends and I have been making note of or experiencing a decline in men’s sexual desire. More accurately, it is men’s inability to perform when and how needed that has become more noticeable. Men have increasingly become preoccupied with other things and have begun to behave in a manner we would traditionally attribute to women.
I first started to have this experience early in college. I am the type of person that doesn’t really have sex often. And although I really like sex, I would rather not have it than to have it sparsely. So, I would rather wait for a partner that is reliable. This means that I want to wait for a guy who will give it to me, good and consistently. I don’t want anyone I have to hunt down to pleasure me, better yet pleasure me well. So, when the guy that I was dating would say that he wasn’t in the mood or do little things like that, it annoyed the hell out of me. Particularly since I am of the mindset that relationships should be fairly equal. Meaning that we should both be able to set the terms of our interaction. Neither one of us needs to feel like we are pestering the other. And most of all, we have intimate relations on both of our terms, when one or both of us want it, not simply when he wants it. I am a product of the post-sexual revolution era.
Recently, it seems that this has been occurring to me and everyone around me. We can’t seem to get it when we want it (and how hasn’t even entered the discussion). In addition, men are giving up sex for things like tv, work, or even because they are nosey about what everyone else is doing. I mean come on. Ladies, if your man wanted to have sex, would you really be like, ‘actually, I want to see if such and such is doing it first?’ I doubt it. So, these excuses, which could be totally valid just seem like bullshit because no one is expecting men to give up sex, not even for something important. And I am wondering what is behind this lost libido.
To add fuel to the fire, what is commonly known as the ‘body wars’ is occurring all over the world. Men (I say men because most heads of state and politicians and policy makers are men) are sitting together deciding what will and should happen with women’s bodies. They are deciding whether we can have abortions, whether family planning should be an option for us, whether we should be allowed to enjoy sex within marriage and whether we have the right to life if we engage in sexual activity prior to marriage. And I think their lost libido is the cause of recent moves towards conservative approaches to sex and sexuality. The truth is that men can no longer handle the heat and have reverted to religion and morality to justify their inability to handle women’s sex drives.
Honest, back during the sexual revolution, men were pro women’s sexual freedom. Do you know why? Because they thought that they would benefit from it. They thought to themselves that it would be great to have lots of loose women submitting to their every desire because they were no longer held back by men’s definitions of morality, decency, and religious devotion. But to their surprise, once women were emancipated from sexual inhibitions, they started demanding more. Now women are asking for sex on their terms, when, where and how they want it. And it has become too much for men to handle. They have become emasculated because rather than having unlimited access and will to do whatever they feel with any women, they have become exposed. Their inability to maintain healthy sexual functioning after a certain age, the decline in their libido, and their sub-par performance have all been open to questioning. And the more women question, the more they realize that they don’t have to put up with that crap. In addition, women have started to take the lead and demand certain actions.
So, now that our freedom of sexuality no longer benefits men and actually puts them under increased pressure to perform, they have decided that the old moral order is best. And now they want to put laws in place to limit our promiscuity. Now they feel that previous notions of acceptable sexuality are more in their interests than unlimited access to a bunch of demanding women. Shame on us for letting them continue to set the terms of our sexuality!
Speaking of which, below she talks about something that I had to recognize as truth in some respects. Especially since I was a victim of something that is a result of men's insecurities. Last night a guy told me that if we got a house together that it would be in his name because I would never be able to tell him "get out of my house." Never mind you that, if this relationship were to go anywhere, in the future, I would probably be the one making more money and I already have better credit.... what sense would it make to have a home in his name? none. I told him this but he was more concerned about who would have the control in the relationship. Men.. need I say more? Read on......
Dwindling Libido by Sexy Thought
What is up with men these days?! Has the world turned upside down? Is this the cause of current administrative reversion to pre-hippy revolution time?
A few friends and I have been making note of or experiencing a decline in men’s sexual desire. More accurately, it is men’s inability to perform when and how needed that has become more noticeable. Men have increasingly become preoccupied with other things and have begun to behave in a manner we would traditionally attribute to women.
I first started to have this experience early in college. I am the type of person that doesn’t really have sex often. And although I really like sex, I would rather not have it than to have it sparsely. So, I would rather wait for a partner that is reliable. This means that I want to wait for a guy who will give it to me, good and consistently. I don’t want anyone I have to hunt down to pleasure me, better yet pleasure me well. So, when the guy that I was dating would say that he wasn’t in the mood or do little things like that, it annoyed the hell out of me. Particularly since I am of the mindset that relationships should be fairly equal. Meaning that we should both be able to set the terms of our interaction. Neither one of us needs to feel like we are pestering the other. And most of all, we have intimate relations on both of our terms, when one or both of us want it, not simply when he wants it. I am a product of the post-sexual revolution era.
Recently, it seems that this has been occurring to me and everyone around me. We can’t seem to get it when we want it (and how hasn’t even entered the discussion). In addition, men are giving up sex for things like tv, work, or even because they are nosey about what everyone else is doing. I mean come on. Ladies, if your man wanted to have sex, would you really be like, ‘actually, I want to see if such and such is doing it first?’ I doubt it. So, these excuses, which could be totally valid just seem like bullshit because no one is expecting men to give up sex, not even for something important. And I am wondering what is behind this lost libido.
To add fuel to the fire, what is commonly known as the ‘body wars’ is occurring all over the world. Men (I say men because most heads of state and politicians and policy makers are men) are sitting together deciding what will and should happen with women’s bodies. They are deciding whether we can have abortions, whether family planning should be an option for us, whether we should be allowed to enjoy sex within marriage and whether we have the right to life if we engage in sexual activity prior to marriage. And I think their lost libido is the cause of recent moves towards conservative approaches to sex and sexuality. The truth is that men can no longer handle the heat and have reverted to religion and morality to justify their inability to handle women’s sex drives.
Honest, back during the sexual revolution, men were pro women’s sexual freedom. Do you know why? Because they thought that they would benefit from it. They thought to themselves that it would be great to have lots of loose women submitting to their every desire because they were no longer held back by men’s definitions of morality, decency, and religious devotion. But to their surprise, once women were emancipated from sexual inhibitions, they started demanding more. Now women are asking for sex on their terms, when, where and how they want it. And it has become too much for men to handle. They have become emasculated because rather than having unlimited access and will to do whatever they feel with any women, they have become exposed. Their inability to maintain healthy sexual functioning after a certain age, the decline in their libido, and their sub-par performance have all been open to questioning. And the more women question, the more they realize that they don’t have to put up with that crap. In addition, women have started to take the lead and demand certain actions.
So, now that our freedom of sexuality no longer benefits men and actually puts them under increased pressure to perform, they have decided that the old moral order is best. And now they want to put laws in place to limit our promiscuity. Now they feel that previous notions of acceptable sexuality are more in their interests than unlimited access to a bunch of demanding women. Shame on us for letting them continue to set the terms of our sexuality!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Working with crazy bigots
If any of you know any of my other stories about my coworkers, this little anicdote will not surprise you.
Earlier today, basically out of nowhere, (because that's how some people are) one of my coworkers decides to tell me and Diane that she and her daughter were in the car earlier on their way somewhere. First of all, who cares? but let me continue. So they saw a PFLAG sticker on someone's car. She says they then decided to make up their own acronym for PFLAG. (By the way she didnt even know what it stood for. She was like "its purple flag, right? for purple in the rainbow for gays because there are two rainbows and the one with purple in it means gay... and I was like WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU MORON?! there is only one rainbow and purple is not in it anywhere. ROY G. (mutherf*in) BIV! its violet and yea purple and violet are the SAME color - though she proceeded to try to tell me that in these "two rainbows" that they were different. By this point I was like whatever get on with your story.) So then she tells me what kind of acronym she tried to come up with.... i dont want to repeat the whole thing because its mean and then also i cant remember it all but it included A**hole raper and fudge packer....
Needless to say I had to take a few breaths before I went balistic and I just had to calm down and say, "I didn't find that in the least funny. Why is that funny to you?" and then she is like no its not funny but what better did we have to do while sitting in traffic.. well, gee, i don't know.. how about talk to you daughter about why she is turning into a promiscous ho. I mean the fact that the only thing that came to your mind is a completely bigotted and really mean slander against BLGT people is freaking pathetic. At this point, I had to walk away.
I want to tell God can you give your people a freakin clue. I mean no matter what you believe, I don't think there is every any excuse for that kind of behavior. And to foster and nurture that this kind of thinking is alright in your children is just ludicrous. Oh it was just a joke is not an excuse in any kind of way. Its like going down the street and seeing a guy who looks foreign and going "What up Arab or spick or homey?" or any really stupid offensive thing you could think of. Get the point? Its in all of our actions. God doesn't want our judgement... he wants our love and to show love to everyone of all types...seriously people, GET the point.
Earlier today, basically out of nowhere, (because that's how some people are) one of my coworkers decides to tell me and Diane that she and her daughter were in the car earlier on their way somewhere. First of all, who cares? but let me continue. So they saw a PFLAG sticker on someone's car. She says they then decided to make up their own acronym for PFLAG. (By the way she didnt even know what it stood for. She was like "its purple flag, right? for purple in the rainbow for gays because there are two rainbows and the one with purple in it means gay... and I was like WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU MORON?! there is only one rainbow and purple is not in it anywhere. ROY G. (mutherf*in) BIV! its violet and yea purple and violet are the SAME color - though she proceeded to try to tell me that in these "two rainbows" that they were different. By this point I was like whatever get on with your story.) So then she tells me what kind of acronym she tried to come up with.... i dont want to repeat the whole thing because its mean and then also i cant remember it all but it included A**hole raper and fudge packer....
Needless to say I had to take a few breaths before I went balistic and I just had to calm down and say, "I didn't find that in the least funny. Why is that funny to you?" and then she is like no its not funny but what better did we have to do while sitting in traffic.. well, gee, i don't know.. how about talk to you daughter about why she is turning into a promiscous ho. I mean the fact that the only thing that came to your mind is a completely bigotted and really mean slander against BLGT people is freaking pathetic. At this point, I had to walk away.
I want to tell God can you give your people a freakin clue. I mean no matter what you believe, I don't think there is every any excuse for that kind of behavior. And to foster and nurture that this kind of thinking is alright in your children is just ludicrous. Oh it was just a joke is not an excuse in any kind of way. Its like going down the street and seeing a guy who looks foreign and going "What up Arab or spick or homey?" or any really stupid offensive thing you could think of. Get the point? Its in all of our actions. God doesn't want our judgement... he wants our love and to show love to everyone of all types...seriously people, GET the point.
Monday, June 12, 2006
A feminist?
My best friend posted this awhile back and I just got around to reading the whole thing. I will admit its a little lenghty - not Henry James or anything, but to get the point it takes a careful perusal. However, its a great article and more hopeful than the ones I have been reading but then again she ends up wth someone at the end doesn't she - no wonder she's so optimistic.....
May 21, 2006
Modern LoveChanging My Feminist Mind, One Man at a Time
By J. COURTNEY SULLIVAN
For the past decade, I have struggled with two competing images of theopposite sex: oppressor, and dream date.As a girl, I was in love with the idea of love — love poems, letters,stories, songs, even Courtney Love, for what seemed to me her well-worn heartache. Boys themselves, with their fake guns and dirty knees, didn'tinterest me much. But as they were my ticket to romance, I adored them more or less as a practical matter.
In high school, during marathon phone conversations, cheap pizza dinnersand long suburban car rides, I began to fall for boys because of whothey actually were, or at least who I thought they might become. I still loved Love, but now the love began to stretch to real people.
And this is where things got complicated, because around the same time,with my working mother as a role model and an influential teacher as myguide, I started to identify as a feminist. I read, re-read, andunderlined "Backlash," "The Beauty Myth" and "The Feminine Mystique." I grew enraged by what I learned. Enraged, and utterly confused. Who was keeping women down? Men. But who were just so cute that I couldn't sleep at night for thinking and writing and obsessing about them? You guessed it, the self-same.
Then I went off to an all-women's college, Smith, where I didn't see awhole lot of men. I joined the campus women's group and studied up on gender issues. My rage toward men in general grew ever stronger, as did my desire to meet that one specific man who could make my dreams come true.
I had fantasies of moving into a city apartment after graduation with some blurry-faced guy, my partner. We'd cook dinner together, read thepaper in bed. Later, we would shield our children from sex-stereotypedtoys and take turns driving to rid them of the notion that Dad is alwaysthe captain. There would be true equality in our home, and there wouldalso be candlelight and Ella Fitzgerald records and adorable baby shoes in the hall closet.
BUT when I graduated and moved to Manhattan three years ago, none of themen I met were up for my proposed life of egalitarian bliss. In fact,most of the young people around me—male and female—seemed to think offeminism as a quaint and unnecessary practice from days of old, notunlike churning butter. I remembered then what one wise women's studiesprofessor at Smith had said about feminism: "None of this means anythingunless we can get men on board. That's not achieved by marches ormovements, but by one individual changing another individual for thebetter."
I wanted to get men on board — or one man, at the very least — but Iseemed unable to find an audience for a simple discussion beginning with the words "I am a feminist and here's why."
Friends wondered why I couldn't leave my politics at the door and justgo on a date for goodness sake. My uncles joked that perhaps I'd be happy if I could find a nice Irish girl to settle down with.
All of my relationships, or lack thereof, began to take the same shape.I would meet a man, and our first date would consist of that lovelyunraveling of mundane details. Then would come the second date. With ourvital stats out of the way, we'd begin to discuss other, seeminglybenign, topics. But somehow, every road led to sexism. A comparison of our favorite movies turned into me complaining about Quentin Tarantino's senseless misogyny. Perusal of the dessert menu somehow ignited ascreaming match about women's socially imposed body-image issues.
Often there was no warning. One minute we would be talking baseball, andthe next we'd be embroiled in a standoff about pornography, which wouldend with me refusing to return his calls and express mailing him a copyof Catharine MacKinnon's "Only Words" without a note.
Soon I began to recognize a familiar look on the faces of the men I wentout with, the physical incarnation of Check, please. I knew that I couldbe too harsh, too quick to judge and probably guilty of the very sexismI railed against. But I couldn't back down.
I couldn't because the stakes are too high, and the large-scale issuesof sexual inequality remain: Women still don't make equal money forequal work; we are still the victims of rape and domestic violence; we are, for the most part, still solely responsible for child-rearing andcooking and cleaning, no matter what our career choices.
But the smaller, more personal issues are perhaps even more divisive,more threatening, at least when it comes to romantic relationships.In a country where you can't show a penis on television, the popular rapstar Snoop Dogg can sing a song on the radio called "Can U Control YoHoe," in which he says a man has to do what it takes to put his woman"in her place" even if it means "slapping her in the face."
Outside my office building in Times Square stands a billboard for the new HBO series "Big Love" — three women of varying ages stare blank-eyedand weary at one exhausted, oversexed man. Beneath them are the words"Polygamy Loves Company."
A block away, there's a long row of sex shops and strip clubs. When Irun out to grab a sandwich at lunchtime, men are waltzing into theseplaces without so much as a hint of embarrassment.
Who are they? I often wonder. What are their lives like?
It seems impossible that they all live in caves or in their mothers'basements. Most must have jobs, homes, wives, girlfriends. They are notconsidered abnormal, any more than the guy who purchases a Snoop CD, ortunes in to see how Bill Paxton deals with those three demanding wives, poor lamb. If this is the culture in which we live and love, how must men, in their heart of hearts, view women?
When I think of men this way, as I often do, I want to go back to Smithand stay there among the shaved-headed sisterhood until I die.
On the other hand, no matter how enraged I become, I still adore men andthe possibility for romance they bring. I love the smell of a man's skin. I enjoy the breathless feeling of waiting to see if he'll callback. I like dressing up for dates and dissecting a dinner conversationwith a new guy to determine if he might be The One. I admire the linear and decisive way a certain kind of man thinks, to my curlicue boundless overthinking. And nothing beats the feeling of a man's arms wrapped around me. Nothing.
I'll never fully reconcile those ideas, I know. But sometimes love surprises us with its timing and its lessons. Ten months ago, I finally met someone who, so far, has stuck. And to my Catholic family's great relief, that someone's name is not Irene.
His name is Colin, and I liked him immediately. And so I vowed, this time, not to sabotage things by mentioning sexism right away. But on our very first date, he asked about my thoughts on the feminist movement(apparently, he had been prepped by our mutual friends). When he pressed the issue, I finally blurted out: "I can't talk about feminism until youknow me better, O.K.?"
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I'll scare you."
He laughed. "I'm not afraid."
And he wasn't. He gets it, yet he's bold enough to stand up to me whenhe thinks I've gone too far. Confronted by my beliefs, Colin offers neither the typical blow-off of other men nor the mea culpa that Ithought I was looking for. Instead, he listens and discusses sexism withme at length, agreeing most of the time, but not always. And when he disagrees, he says so, challenging me to think about my long-heldbeliefs in new ways, and occasionally even changing my mind.
In Colin's view, a man who goes to a strip club for his bachelor partyis not necessarily a misogynist. And my argument that the women's movement has hardly made a dent ignores decades of true progress, according to him. But he has come over to my side in debates aboutpornography, prostitution, movie violence and domestic roles.
Not that there aren't moments when it seems like we're still looking at each other across a great gender divide. One discussion about sexual violence in horror films ended with his screaming, "Do you ever justlighten up?"
AND last night he mentioned that a friend of his, a screenwriter, wasoptioning a book that Colin described as "a man's guide to stringingchicks along without ever having to marry them."
"And yet you think he's a good guy?"
"He's a very good guy," Colin said.
"I don't know how someone can be good, but not do good," I shot back. I said this, but at the same time I thought about the friend in question, a man more devoted to his wife than anyone I've ever met.
Colin and I went a few more rounds before he finally said, "I admire your passion," and I conceded that his friend was indeed a pretty goodguy. Then we took a walk, got a couple of beers and laughed about it all.
Both love and life are rich in contradiction, and who am I to fight it?After all, I was the teenage girl with a framed photo of Gloria Steinem hanging on her bedroom wall, right beside a larger photo of a young Frank Sinatra.
And now I have fallen for a man who understands and respects my feminist beliefs, and who also takes me to dinner, holds the door, calls me Babydoll in a slow Southern drawl.
Embracing those contradictions has led me to discover a world between the harsh reality of sexism and the airy wishes of my love-drenched fantasies.
It's true what my Smith professor said about progress depending upon one individual changing another for the better. What she didn't say was that, inevitably, the change goes both ways.
J. Courtney Sullivan lives in New York. Her book, "Dating Up: Dump theSchlump and Find a Quality Man," will be published by Warner Books inFebruary 2007.
May 21, 2006
Modern LoveChanging My Feminist Mind, One Man at a Time
By J. COURTNEY SULLIVAN
For the past decade, I have struggled with two competing images of theopposite sex: oppressor, and dream date.As a girl, I was in love with the idea of love — love poems, letters,stories, songs, even Courtney Love, for what seemed to me her well-worn heartache. Boys themselves, with their fake guns and dirty knees, didn'tinterest me much. But as they were my ticket to romance, I adored them more or less as a practical matter.
In high school, during marathon phone conversations, cheap pizza dinnersand long suburban car rides, I began to fall for boys because of whothey actually were, or at least who I thought they might become. I still loved Love, but now the love began to stretch to real people.
And this is where things got complicated, because around the same time,with my working mother as a role model and an influential teacher as myguide, I started to identify as a feminist. I read, re-read, andunderlined "Backlash," "The Beauty Myth" and "The Feminine Mystique." I grew enraged by what I learned. Enraged, and utterly confused. Who was keeping women down? Men. But who were just so cute that I couldn't sleep at night for thinking and writing and obsessing about them? You guessed it, the self-same.
Then I went off to an all-women's college, Smith, where I didn't see awhole lot of men. I joined the campus women's group and studied up on gender issues. My rage toward men in general grew ever stronger, as did my desire to meet that one specific man who could make my dreams come true.
I had fantasies of moving into a city apartment after graduation with some blurry-faced guy, my partner. We'd cook dinner together, read thepaper in bed. Later, we would shield our children from sex-stereotypedtoys and take turns driving to rid them of the notion that Dad is alwaysthe captain. There would be true equality in our home, and there wouldalso be candlelight and Ella Fitzgerald records and adorable baby shoes in the hall closet.
BUT when I graduated and moved to Manhattan three years ago, none of themen I met were up for my proposed life of egalitarian bliss. In fact,most of the young people around me—male and female—seemed to think offeminism as a quaint and unnecessary practice from days of old, notunlike churning butter. I remembered then what one wise women's studiesprofessor at Smith had said about feminism: "None of this means anythingunless we can get men on board. That's not achieved by marches ormovements, but by one individual changing another individual for thebetter."
I wanted to get men on board — or one man, at the very least — but Iseemed unable to find an audience for a simple discussion beginning with the words "I am a feminist and here's why."
Friends wondered why I couldn't leave my politics at the door and justgo on a date for goodness sake. My uncles joked that perhaps I'd be happy if I could find a nice Irish girl to settle down with.
All of my relationships, or lack thereof, began to take the same shape.I would meet a man, and our first date would consist of that lovelyunraveling of mundane details. Then would come the second date. With ourvital stats out of the way, we'd begin to discuss other, seeminglybenign, topics. But somehow, every road led to sexism. A comparison of our favorite movies turned into me complaining about Quentin Tarantino's senseless misogyny. Perusal of the dessert menu somehow ignited ascreaming match about women's socially imposed body-image issues.
Often there was no warning. One minute we would be talking baseball, andthe next we'd be embroiled in a standoff about pornography, which wouldend with me refusing to return his calls and express mailing him a copyof Catharine MacKinnon's "Only Words" without a note.
Soon I began to recognize a familiar look on the faces of the men I wentout with, the physical incarnation of Check, please. I knew that I couldbe too harsh, too quick to judge and probably guilty of the very sexismI railed against. But I couldn't back down.
I couldn't because the stakes are too high, and the large-scale issuesof sexual inequality remain: Women still don't make equal money forequal work; we are still the victims of rape and domestic violence; we are, for the most part, still solely responsible for child-rearing andcooking and cleaning, no matter what our career choices.
But the smaller, more personal issues are perhaps even more divisive,more threatening, at least when it comes to romantic relationships.In a country where you can't show a penis on television, the popular rapstar Snoop Dogg can sing a song on the radio called "Can U Control YoHoe," in which he says a man has to do what it takes to put his woman"in her place" even if it means "slapping her in the face."
Outside my office building in Times Square stands a billboard for the new HBO series "Big Love" — three women of varying ages stare blank-eyedand weary at one exhausted, oversexed man. Beneath them are the words"Polygamy Loves Company."
A block away, there's a long row of sex shops and strip clubs. When Irun out to grab a sandwich at lunchtime, men are waltzing into theseplaces without so much as a hint of embarrassment.
Who are they? I often wonder. What are their lives like?
It seems impossible that they all live in caves or in their mothers'basements. Most must have jobs, homes, wives, girlfriends. They are notconsidered abnormal, any more than the guy who purchases a Snoop CD, ortunes in to see how Bill Paxton deals with those three demanding wives, poor lamb. If this is the culture in which we live and love, how must men, in their heart of hearts, view women?
When I think of men this way, as I often do, I want to go back to Smithand stay there among the shaved-headed sisterhood until I die.
On the other hand, no matter how enraged I become, I still adore men andthe possibility for romance they bring. I love the smell of a man's skin. I enjoy the breathless feeling of waiting to see if he'll callback. I like dressing up for dates and dissecting a dinner conversationwith a new guy to determine if he might be The One. I admire the linear and decisive way a certain kind of man thinks, to my curlicue boundless overthinking. And nothing beats the feeling of a man's arms wrapped around me. Nothing.
I'll never fully reconcile those ideas, I know. But sometimes love surprises us with its timing and its lessons. Ten months ago, I finally met someone who, so far, has stuck. And to my Catholic family's great relief, that someone's name is not Irene.
His name is Colin, and I liked him immediately. And so I vowed, this time, not to sabotage things by mentioning sexism right away. But on our very first date, he asked about my thoughts on the feminist movement(apparently, he had been prepped by our mutual friends). When he pressed the issue, I finally blurted out: "I can't talk about feminism until youknow me better, O.K.?"
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I'll scare you."
He laughed. "I'm not afraid."
And he wasn't. He gets it, yet he's bold enough to stand up to me whenhe thinks I've gone too far. Confronted by my beliefs, Colin offers neither the typical blow-off of other men nor the mea culpa that Ithought I was looking for. Instead, he listens and discusses sexism withme at length, agreeing most of the time, but not always. And when he disagrees, he says so, challenging me to think about my long-heldbeliefs in new ways, and occasionally even changing my mind.
In Colin's view, a man who goes to a strip club for his bachelor partyis not necessarily a misogynist. And my argument that the women's movement has hardly made a dent ignores decades of true progress, according to him. But he has come over to my side in debates aboutpornography, prostitution, movie violence and domestic roles.
Not that there aren't moments when it seems like we're still looking at each other across a great gender divide. One discussion about sexual violence in horror films ended with his screaming, "Do you ever justlighten up?"
AND last night he mentioned that a friend of his, a screenwriter, wasoptioning a book that Colin described as "a man's guide to stringingchicks along without ever having to marry them."
"And yet you think he's a good guy?"
"He's a very good guy," Colin said.
"I don't know how someone can be good, but not do good," I shot back. I said this, but at the same time I thought about the friend in question, a man more devoted to his wife than anyone I've ever met.
Colin and I went a few more rounds before he finally said, "I admire your passion," and I conceded that his friend was indeed a pretty goodguy. Then we took a walk, got a couple of beers and laughed about it all.
Both love and life are rich in contradiction, and who am I to fight it?After all, I was the teenage girl with a framed photo of Gloria Steinem hanging on her bedroom wall, right beside a larger photo of a young Frank Sinatra.
And now I have fallen for a man who understands and respects my feminist beliefs, and who also takes me to dinner, holds the door, calls me Babydoll in a slow Southern drawl.
Embracing those contradictions has led me to discover a world between the harsh reality of sexism and the airy wishes of my love-drenched fantasies.
It's true what my Smith professor said about progress depending upon one individual changing another for the better. What she didn't say was that, inevitably, the change goes both ways.
J. Courtney Sullivan lives in New York. Her book, "Dating Up: Dump theSchlump and Find a Quality Man," will be published by Warner Books inFebruary 2007.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Coworkers or Friends?
I just discovered a new toy on Google (which could quite possibly be my favorite search engine ever.) It the Google photo manager called Picasa and it's free! This excites me. Further more, you can do cool things with it like blog on a certain photo.. which further excites me. Anyhow its a fun and cool new little gadget. So enjoy!Look at me with my two coworkers, Becky and Diane. Aren't we cute?! I love this picture. If you have been checking out my Myspace or my facebook page, you have probably seen this picture already. If not, here for your viewing pleasure. I am not sure where the future may lead but I am pretty sure that I am on the verge of not calling them just coworkers but friends as well. Its a huge leap for them. However, these are two of the ladies I spend my day with and share my life with. Diane, on the right, is a fabulous wife and mother of one, Justin (who I have affectionately nickenamed J-10). She makes me laugh. A LOT. Becky is a fabulous expectant mother and fiancee. She makes me giggle. She is soooo silly. But she is also quite feisty! And that's what I like about her.
Don't we look great it our pastel shirts that were totally unplanned but we all came in that way? Ahhh some things are just too good to keep to myself.
You've Got to be Kidding Me....
You've got to be kidding me - our lights went out here at work. You would think that if the lights go out that it would be a sign that it is time to leave for the day. But not here at ACLJ. Lights going out does not constitute reason enough to leave. You can use your little lamps and such and strain your already strained eyes to continue typing into your (in my case only) minute computer screen. Damn them!!! Oh and get this! once our computers follow suit and conk out, you would think that it is then time to get the hell out of dodge but OH NO! not at the ACLJ... you can try to find something to do til the big wig gets off her damn power trip and says oh ok you can go home not that its four o'clock... Mind you my good people the lights went off before 2:30pm. and the computer followed probably an hour later.
so i say again
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!
so i say again
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!
Monday, June 05, 2006
A Real Update ... Finally
What have I been up to?
Tired of my sinister rants?
Well here is a true update on life and love my dears. I haven't truthfully been up to much. My grandmother just went into surgery on June 1st for her colon cancer. Thank to all of you, esp. Ms. Shillingford, who have been there for a pick me up and encouraging words. They have been truly appreciated. She is doing fine and called me on the phone this morning which is good, her being able to use the phone. She should be coming home from the hospital sometime later this week. For now, I have been housesitting her house with my sister, not that it really needs to be watched but that's ok - I get to watch cable! Not that there is ever anything on anyway.
Speaking of cable, movies - old and new - that I have seen recently. "Saved" starring Mccauley Caulkin and Mandy Moore is really very funny and is a must see. "The Butterfly Effect" starring Ashton Kutcher was strange but I liked it. "The Perfect Man" starring Hillary Duff and Heather Locklear was definitely cute and reminded me why I liked Hilary Duff AND her real weight. "X-Men 3" did not live up to its expectation but still an enjoyable summer blockbuster. "The DaVinci Code" (avec Mathieu and Greg) was perhaps a bit too cerebral for the big screen, where it succeeded as a book it failed as a film. "V for Vendetta" was, um, I am not sure I have words for yet. Ask me again in a week. I think I liked it.
What am I looking forward to? Superman a little more so and definitely, without a doubt Pirates of the Carribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest is my top movie of the summer - it has a lot ot live up to - I hope it doesn't dissapoint.
I joined a bowling team. Now not only do I work at a bowling alley but I am bowling in a league on Sunday nights for the summer. I am kind of excited. I ordered bowling shoes a couple of weeks ago. It should be tons of fun. I am bowling with three old guys. They needed a girl and I needed a team that didnt mind that I am going to really suck. However, according to them, its ok if I suck. My handicap helps the team. Hopefully being on the team will help me to actually improve. I am in a money league so there is potential for me to get some cash out of this! I'll let you know how it goes - my first bowl: this weekend.
Love life - same. Don't really feel like going into it. You want the details, email or call me.
My upcoming summer events - hanging out with an African or two, Fourth of July Beach Party of Love and Doom, the Bahamas on a cruise, boring August apparently (perhaps C-ville to see Marc Johnson), and a faboulous Labor Day excursion to New York City with a beautiful and talented Miss Lauren Walinsky!!!!! Can you tell I am little excited about that last one?!
I was about to say that was it but work is still abysmal. I mean nobody has blown up Pat yet and thats a crime. My work load keeps growing but my pay does not. Whoever heard of raises once a year? I mean I think I merit a raise for all the new stuff I have learned how to do. Whoever heard of a job where your job description do whatever your boss wants you to do? Such a crock! On a happier note, I still enjoy the women I work with whether it be for laughs with them or at them. I am becoming better friends with my young coworkers and one of them is having a baby. (Please see other posts where I rant about everyone and their mother being pregnant and popping out babies and getting married and all that crap).
Really cool thing to happen this week: Got back in touch with an old friend - Elizabeth McAdams, now Doyal, for those of you who know her. She is living in Fairfax with her two children and hubbie and apparently they are all doing quite well.
Song of the moment: actually a tie between two new fresh and funky little summer tunes by cute girls - Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado and The One You Need by Megan Rochelle.
I think that is all... if I forgot to tell you all about something - let me know and I will revise and repost.. for now, I remain,
Currently yours,
Shemeka
Tired of my sinister rants?
Well here is a true update on life and love my dears. I haven't truthfully been up to much. My grandmother just went into surgery on June 1st for her colon cancer. Thank to all of you, esp. Ms. Shillingford, who have been there for a pick me up and encouraging words. They have been truly appreciated. She is doing fine and called me on the phone this morning which is good, her being able to use the phone. She should be coming home from the hospital sometime later this week. For now, I have been housesitting her house with my sister, not that it really needs to be watched but that's ok - I get to watch cable! Not that there is ever anything on anyway.
Speaking of cable, movies - old and new - that I have seen recently. "Saved" starring Mccauley Caulkin and Mandy Moore is really very funny and is a must see. "The Butterfly Effect" starring Ashton Kutcher was strange but I liked it. "The Perfect Man" starring Hillary Duff and Heather Locklear was definitely cute and reminded me why I liked Hilary Duff AND her real weight. "X-Men 3" did not live up to its expectation but still an enjoyable summer blockbuster. "The DaVinci Code" (avec Mathieu and Greg) was perhaps a bit too cerebral for the big screen, where it succeeded as a book it failed as a film. "V for Vendetta" was, um, I am not sure I have words for yet. Ask me again in a week. I think I liked it.
What am I looking forward to? Superman a little more so and definitely, without a doubt Pirates of the Carribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest is my top movie of the summer - it has a lot ot live up to - I hope it doesn't dissapoint.
I joined a bowling team. Now not only do I work at a bowling alley but I am bowling in a league on Sunday nights for the summer. I am kind of excited. I ordered bowling shoes a couple of weeks ago. It should be tons of fun. I am bowling with three old guys. They needed a girl and I needed a team that didnt mind that I am going to really suck. However, according to them, its ok if I suck. My handicap helps the team. Hopefully being on the team will help me to actually improve. I am in a money league so there is potential for me to get some cash out of this! I'll let you know how it goes - my first bowl: this weekend.
Love life - same. Don't really feel like going into it. You want the details, email or call me.
My upcoming summer events - hanging out with an African or two, Fourth of July Beach Party of Love and Doom, the Bahamas on a cruise, boring August apparently (perhaps C-ville to see Marc Johnson), and a faboulous Labor Day excursion to New York City with a beautiful and talented Miss Lauren Walinsky!!!!! Can you tell I am little excited about that last one?!
I was about to say that was it but work is still abysmal. I mean nobody has blown up Pat yet and thats a crime. My work load keeps growing but my pay does not. Whoever heard of raises once a year? I mean I think I merit a raise for all the new stuff I have learned how to do. Whoever heard of a job where your job description do whatever your boss wants you to do? Such a crock! On a happier note, I still enjoy the women I work with whether it be for laughs with them or at them. I am becoming better friends with my young coworkers and one of them is having a baby. (Please see other posts where I rant about everyone and their mother being pregnant and popping out babies and getting married and all that crap).
Really cool thing to happen this week: Got back in touch with an old friend - Elizabeth McAdams, now Doyal, for those of you who know her. She is living in Fairfax with her two children and hubbie and apparently they are all doing quite well.
Song of the moment: actually a tie between two new fresh and funky little summer tunes by cute girls - Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado and The One You Need by Megan Rochelle.
I think that is all... if I forgot to tell you all about something - let me know and I will revise and repost.. for now, I remain,
Currently yours,
Shemeka
Friday, May 26, 2006
Can I go?
Oprah's Legends Ball.
I don't care how you feel about Oprah. I personally am pretty wishy washy when it comes to her. I am deliriously jealous is part of the problem. But like I said, I don't care how you feel about her the woman works miracles. This Legends Ball event was beyond amazing. And all I can say is, "Can I get an invite?"
I mean lets start with things you must admit. The first being is that Oprah has too much damn money!!!!! She bought a trolley so the women would not have to walk up and down the hill to the picture site. She gave each women a set of diamond earrings in a silver box. She had enough money that when she hired servants for the luncheon - all of them, all of them were white (bet a lot of you didn't notice that). I mean if there were a definition of someone with just too much money, Oprah's picture would be by it.
Second, if Oprah invites you to something, you do NOT say no. Gail was like people are calling and cancelling and people were calling to say that they were coming at the last minute. People, best better believe, if Oprah is hosting something, you want to be in attendance because its not just like she invites any old body cuz if that was the case then my mama would have been invited. I mean this woman knows how to throw a three day, lavish, ridiculous affair.
Third, Oprah is an ugly woman. I know, I know this seems a mean thing to say, but my friends its so very true. She has never been pretty. I know you have seen the Color Purple AND Beloved AND the scene on the Legends so where they are taste-testing the food and she has those little straight-back cornrows in her head. I thought at any moment she was going to break out and say, "You told Harpo to beat me." She looked a hot mess. You can tell that for Oprah makeup is not a "I can go without it" item.
Finally, the last thing you must admit is that noone throws anything like Oprah. From the decorations to the invitations, the event was first class. Which brings me back to my second point - how could anyone say no!?
I wanted to say that I truly enjoyed the honoring of some of my favorites such as Patti Labelle and Aretha and Chaka. These women have truly blessed our lives. We can all only hope that they don't stop making them like that. Those who Oprah chose as the youngins were a little scary but I appreciate the gesture she was trying to make. Even though I still think Ashanti, Mary J and Mariah could have stayed home. It was a beautiful thing to see Phyllicia Rashad and Cecily Tyson. They are two of the greats. I want to say thanks to Oprah for pulling the event off, because the words needed to be said - Thank You. We needed to thank these women for forging the path for all of us women to follow, to be proud of ourselves and our womanhood. So no matter how you feel about Oprah, she did a good thing.
I don't care how you feel about Oprah. I personally am pretty wishy washy when it comes to her. I am deliriously jealous is part of the problem. But like I said, I don't care how you feel about her the woman works miracles. This Legends Ball event was beyond amazing. And all I can say is, "Can I get an invite?"
I mean lets start with things you must admit. The first being is that Oprah has too much damn money!!!!! She bought a trolley so the women would not have to walk up and down the hill to the picture site. She gave each women a set of diamond earrings in a silver box. She had enough money that when she hired servants for the luncheon - all of them, all of them were white (bet a lot of you didn't notice that). I mean if there were a definition of someone with just too much money, Oprah's picture would be by it.
Second, if Oprah invites you to something, you do NOT say no. Gail was like people are calling and cancelling and people were calling to say that they were coming at the last minute. People, best better believe, if Oprah is hosting something, you want to be in attendance because its not just like she invites any old body cuz if that was the case then my mama would have been invited. I mean this woman knows how to throw a three day, lavish, ridiculous affair.
Third, Oprah is an ugly woman. I know, I know this seems a mean thing to say, but my friends its so very true. She has never been pretty. I know you have seen the Color Purple AND Beloved AND the scene on the Legends so where they are taste-testing the food and she has those little straight-back cornrows in her head. I thought at any moment she was going to break out and say, "You told Harpo to beat me." She looked a hot mess. You can tell that for Oprah makeup is not a "I can go without it" item.
Finally, the last thing you must admit is that noone throws anything like Oprah. From the decorations to the invitations, the event was first class. Which brings me back to my second point - how could anyone say no!?
I wanted to say that I truly enjoyed the honoring of some of my favorites such as Patti Labelle and Aretha and Chaka. These women have truly blessed our lives. We can all only hope that they don't stop making them like that. Those who Oprah chose as the youngins were a little scary but I appreciate the gesture she was trying to make. Even though I still think Ashanti, Mary J and Mariah could have stayed home. It was a beautiful thing to see Phyllicia Rashad and Cecily Tyson. They are two of the greats. I want to say thanks to Oprah for pulling the event off, because the words needed to be said - Thank You. We needed to thank these women for forging the path for all of us women to follow, to be proud of ourselves and our womanhood. So no matter how you feel about Oprah, she did a good thing.
Friday, May 19, 2006
It's Not You, It's Me.....
"It's not You, babe. It's Me. No, really....."
Words said when you are trying to let someone down easy. You know, take the blame for the relationship going south. But as I listened to my sister breakup with her boyfriend last night and contemplate my own "relationship" demise, I think of how I might have said these words OR worse yet, have them said to me as in, "Well it's not me breaking up with you, it's your choice," from the sig. other. This is their way of making you feel guilty, like you are a quitter in the relationship and just couldn't handle it.
Well guess what mofos! ITS NOT US - ITS YOU!!!!
and guess what else - IT IS MY CHOICE AND GUESS WHAT I DON'T CHOOSE - YOU!!!
Relationships are hard. That is the bottom line people. Seriously. You can't be in a relationship without giving something up. You just have to decide what that is. If it's something you just can't possibly live without, either you need to reexamine your priorties or it's time to say, "Adios, this has run its course." I am so tired of people hanging on to relationships for the sake of having a relationship. I am a massive victim of this for the past year. I mean I would rather be involved than uninvolved - just another thing to do rather than be bored. Isn't that pathetic? I need to take up a hobby if I am that apathetic about my relationship.
The problem isn't that I don't like the guy. He's sweet to a certan extent but when I fear bringing him around the people I love the most there is obviously a severe problem here. I am severely tired of feeling like as a woman I should be treated as someone who can be undervalued just because there is a severe shortage of good men out there. I am also tired of being told that I am unapproachable because I am smart, well educated, speak my mind, don't talk like a "nigga," "affluent," and expect my man to be the same. When did it become I have to lower my standards? There are somethings you just don't want out of a man, let alone can not reconcile yourself to deal with for the rest of your life so why try? But yet here I am in this relationship striving to make it work because "Essence,""Sister," and "Jet" magazines are all telling me not to count out the thug brother. And they are right but untimately, me and this male are uncompatible. While he wants to kick on the streets and hang out in the damn club - I want to go see Lion King on Broadway - you see how we could run into some severe issues here?
And men, I know it isn't all your fault. Some women are doing some piss poor jobs of raising good men these days. And men I also know we women ain't got all our s*it together either. Too many women willing to settle and won't make men work for it. Too many women not acting right when they have a good men turning the man all jaded and messed up for the rest of us. Too many women, of all races mind you, thinking its ok to take marriage lightly and be stepping out or letting themselves be stepped on... this stuff has got to stop! If I read one more article about how there is no hope for successful women or see one more picture where black women of power are listed and all of these women have Ms. by there name... I am gonna frickin flip! I would give up but I am true woman and realize that I need a man - not to complete me mind you - but as a companion and that is the way it should be, cooperate and communicate. Men stop hurting women and WOMEN stop hurting you men. When it comes down to it, I guess I want an ideal that obviously doesn't exist and I don't want to be the one to be on the outside looking in. However, as for as current situations and relationships go.... really, hey, guess what, it really isn't me - ITS YOU!
Words said when you are trying to let someone down easy. You know, take the blame for the relationship going south. But as I listened to my sister breakup with her boyfriend last night and contemplate my own "relationship" demise, I think of how I might have said these words OR worse yet, have them said to me as in, "Well it's not me breaking up with you, it's your choice," from the sig. other. This is their way of making you feel guilty, like you are a quitter in the relationship and just couldn't handle it.
Well guess what mofos! ITS NOT US - ITS YOU!!!!
and guess what else - IT IS MY CHOICE AND GUESS WHAT I DON'T CHOOSE - YOU!!!
Relationships are hard. That is the bottom line people. Seriously. You can't be in a relationship without giving something up. You just have to decide what that is. If it's something you just can't possibly live without, either you need to reexamine your priorties or it's time to say, "Adios, this has run its course." I am so tired of people hanging on to relationships for the sake of having a relationship. I am a massive victim of this for the past year. I mean I would rather be involved than uninvolved - just another thing to do rather than be bored. Isn't that pathetic? I need to take up a hobby if I am that apathetic about my relationship.
The problem isn't that I don't like the guy. He's sweet to a certan extent but when I fear bringing him around the people I love the most there is obviously a severe problem here. I am severely tired of feeling like as a woman I should be treated as someone who can be undervalued just because there is a severe shortage of good men out there. I am also tired of being told that I am unapproachable because I am smart, well educated, speak my mind, don't talk like a "nigga," "affluent," and expect my man to be the same. When did it become I have to lower my standards? There are somethings you just don't want out of a man, let alone can not reconcile yourself to deal with for the rest of your life so why try? But yet here I am in this relationship striving to make it work because "Essence,""Sister," and "Jet" magazines are all telling me not to count out the thug brother. And they are right but untimately, me and this male are uncompatible. While he wants to kick on the streets and hang out in the damn club - I want to go see Lion King on Broadway - you see how we could run into some severe issues here?
And men, I know it isn't all your fault. Some women are doing some piss poor jobs of raising good men these days. And men I also know we women ain't got all our s*it together either. Too many women willing to settle and won't make men work for it. Too many women not acting right when they have a good men turning the man all jaded and messed up for the rest of us. Too many women, of all races mind you, thinking its ok to take marriage lightly and be stepping out or letting themselves be stepped on... this stuff has got to stop! If I read one more article about how there is no hope for successful women or see one more picture where black women of power are listed and all of these women have Ms. by there name... I am gonna frickin flip! I would give up but I am true woman and realize that I need a man - not to complete me mind you - but as a companion and that is the way it should be, cooperate and communicate. Men stop hurting women and WOMEN stop hurting you men. When it comes down to it, I guess I want an ideal that obviously doesn't exist and I don't want to be the one to be on the outside looking in. However, as for as current situations and relationships go.... really, hey, guess what, it really isn't me - ITS YOU!
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Some Things I'd Like to Yell @ Work
My favorites are highlighted.... ACLJ, watch out.....
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door ..1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door ..1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different
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