No one is alone.....

My best friend and I have been talking about depression and she just so happened to write an email that explians basically what she is depressed about. I hope it is ok with her but I am going to repost that email. I am going to change the things that apply to me or things that don't apply to me but these are things that are there - that are always under the surface - that I want everyone to know so that you don't feel alone if you feel like this or if you don't feel like this to have a better understanding of why I do and what you can do to help me.

I really, really, really miss you guys. I am bored and frustrated and unmotivated. I don't know what to do with myself. You guys, I am so depressed. I don't remember the last time I felt this down or if I ever felt this down. I hate complaining because God has blessed me with so many things and so many opportunities. But the stress is getting to me.

First of all, I am seriously doubting myself when it comes to getting into law school. I am not the student I used to be, not meaning that I can't do the work - I just don't have the credentials. I dicked around in undergrad and now that I want to do graduate work and my law program, its going to be killer getting in. I am worried and scared. I think I might have to settle for some rink dink college and thats not me - middle of nowhere school. WM does not count as middle of nowhere. It is respected. I am talking noone has ever heard of it before middle of nowhere.

On top of that, staying home is scary becuase I don't want to continue into the same routine of life. I don't want to share an apartment. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel like I am stalking who ever else I know just so I don't have too much time to be alone and think. I don't want to hang out with people because they are always available. I don't want to give anymore advice on crazy people's relationships. I don't want to sneak around with men who are clearly not worth it. I don't want to have to go through the process of meeting new people and starting a new job. I don't want to be bored. I don't want to feel pissy because there is nothing exciting for me to do. I don't want to run into people in DC that I really don't want to see. I don't want to keep pretending that it doesn't suck to live so far away from everyone and I know one or two of you who live in other states can agree with this. I don't want to continue to be resentful of that fact either but I'll be damned if I keep caving and coming to DC. I don't want to start another relationship that is going no where. I don't want to enter another friends with benefits situation. And most of all, I don't want to worry about trying to be happy.

So, I don't think I have been this lonely ever. And I am going to be very explicit here. I feel like a loser. I realized that I totally suck at this dating game. I don't think I have ever had a serious boyfriend. All the while, I am 24 f*ckin years old and I have had multiple sex partners. Isn't that ridiculous? So, I am okay to have sex with but not to date. And the sad thing is that if something was wrong with me, like my vagina stunk, or I couldn't cook, or I was emasculating, or if it was something, something tangible, I would feel better. At least then I would know why no one is interested. But now, all I am left thinking is that I must be too fat or too ugly or uninteresting or something. There is some reason why men don't find me 'relationship' material and why they can only tell me there true feelings when it is too late, or why they are embarrassed to like me or something. I just want to know what is wrong with me.

And at this rate, with everyone getting married, I am feeling more vulnerable and pissy. Not only is everyone getting married, but even the most unlikely people have boyfriends. And generally, I just feel pathetic. Not that men are that important, but it kind of stinks being the single one. I always feel like 3rd or 5th wheel. I always feel like I am looking and I always feel like everyone else knows that I am looking and it is so embarrassing. Because then I might seem pressed (and maybe I am). But, at this point, I am not even trying to find marraige, I just want someone to want me or something.

And being here makes me feel like my biological clock is ticking. I know I am not ready right now for kids, but that is probably because no one even wants to make kids with me. And everyone here has kids or is trying to have kids or has plans to have kids in the recent future. And me, what am I doing? Planning to have children out of wedlock just so I have something that is my own you know? Becuase I don't forsee anyone making a commitment to me, so I would rather commit myself to my child.

And when will I find a job that I don't feel like shooting myself in the face when I go there every day. I hate authority but it is something that I will face at every job, everywhere.

In essence, I just don't know what to do with myself, how to do it, or sometimes if it's even really what I even want to do. Nothing has gone my way and its probably because I am a mean, lazy, selfish, unmotivated person. And I have tried so hard to overcome these traits, but I can't seem to shake them. And right now, I hate myself most becuase I don't even seem to have the will to continue trying to change.

And to top it off, the stress of all these thoughts is killing me. My body is breaking down. I am experiencing all sorts of stomach problems and sensitivity to foods. I am getting more vulnerable to all sorts of infections and viruses and illnesses. And in general, my body is fatigued. Not only am I sick, but my favorite great aunt has congestive heart failure and my grandmother has colon cancer. My grandmother will be going into surgery and these things are not light - its very invasive. Of course, this is stressing me out more.

Sorry guys, I know this is a lot of depressing shit to just put down. I don't want to make you guys sad or anything and I am really happy that things are going well for everone else. I just had to get it out because they are overwhelming me. But, I figured since I found out other people felt this way, I might as well put it out there. Hopefully it might touch one of you and you'll know that you aren't alone in these sentiments. Thanks for listening.....